Everybody Hates Harry
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: What do you get when a small time hood crosses paths with the government, the Purple Dragons, four mutant turtles and one top secret alien weapon?  My first chapter fic!
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT or any of the characters in any of the TMNT comics or animated series. Not that anyone who actually owns the rights to TMNT would be reading this (they're probably too busy counting their vast piles of money) and be angry enough to sue, but a girl can dream, right? **

Everybody Loves to Hate Harry

_First of all I'd like to point out that none of this is my fault._

_I'm just an average Joe trying to make a living. That's not an easy thing to do in this town, am I right? Especially for an ex-con. I mean, it's almost as if they don't want guys like me to go straight. So can you blame me for seizing a golden opportunity when it falls right into my lap?_

_I believe everybody gets one big break in life, and I was just looking for mine. Is that so wrong? All I ever wanted was a break. A break, and a bungalow on the beach in the Bahamas. And scantily clad native girls who keep me swimming in Pina Coladas. And a few million dollars. And maybe one of those monkeys that smoke cigars and wear funny hats. _

_But what do I get instead? I get shot at, beaten up, run over, thrown off a bridge, electrocuted, kidnapped by Martians…and don't even get me started on the killer rabbit! Haven't I suffered enough? _

_Judging from all the guns pointed at me, I'm guessing your answer is no. _

_Fine. Then at least let me tell you my side of the story. About how I ended up here with all of you. I'm sure once you know all the details you'll see that I'm just and innocent victim of circumstance. _

_And if you don't, at least make it quick. _


	2. Bitch Slapped by Lady Luck

_The funny thing is, it started out as my lucky night. If I'd known what was gonna happen, I would have stayed home, I swear! At the very least I would have left early, but I was ahead one thousand bucks! One thousand bucks! What was I supposed to do?_

Harry peered over his cards at Louie, who sat across the table peering at him over his own cards. Between them lay an enormous pile of multicolored poker chips. The other two players, Paulie and Big Mac, had folded long ago, and were now watching them intently while puffing on Cubans; a thick haze hung over the table like an ominous cloud.

Minutes passed. Neither player moved, yet from the way they stared at each other it was clear were engaged in a brutal mental sparring match. Finally, Louie broke the silence. "I raise you one hundred dollars," he said, tossing several chips into the pile.

Harry betrayed no emotion. "I'll see your one hundred and raise you three hundred," he replied, tossing the chips onto the pile.

Louie's jaw clenched. Big Mac sucked in his breath, while Paulie let out a low whistle. It wasn't often someone got under Louie's skin like this, and not many people would dare try, yet Harry had been doing it all night.

"You must be feeling pretty lucky tonight," Louie growled as he threw more chips on the pile.

Paulie and Big Mac cringed slightly at Louie's tone of voice, but Harry smiled. "It's skill, my friend, skill. I had plenty of practice playing cards in prison. Still, let's not discount Lady Luck. She's been very good to me lately."

"Yeah? How so?" Big Mac asked.

"For starters, my lawyer got me sprung from prison on a technically. Is this a great country or what?" Harry replied. "And now I'm on the verge of hitting it big!"

"Okay, I could use a laugh," Paulie said. "What get-rich-quick scheme are you working on now?"

"Glad you asked," Harry smirked. "I have in my possession the next 'gotta have' toy of the Christmas season! It'll make those orphan alien dolls look like a stupid kiddie fad!"

"It was just a stupid kiddie fad," Paulie pointed out. "Nowadays you can't give those dolls away!"

"And Christmas is eight months from now," Big Mac added.

"Details, details," Harry dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "The point is, people are going to be trampling their grandmas to get what's in here," he held up a silver briefcase. "I wish I could show you guys what's in here but it's top secret. You understand."

"Whatever," Louie huffed. "I call!" He slapped his cards on the table, all Jacks. "Four of a kind! Tough break, Harry." He reached for the pile.

"Not so fast, Louie my friend," Harry grinned. He put down his cards. They were all hearts, from the five to the ten of hearts. "Straight flush! Come to papa!" He exclaimed, pulling the chips towards him.

Louie and the others stared at Harry in disbelief. "That's the fourth hand in a row!" Paulie said.

"Geez, Harry, you've never been this good at cards before," Big Mac said.

"A little too good if you ask me," Louie growled.

"Now, now, let's not be poor sports here," Harry replied as he stacked his chips.

"Yes, let's!" Louie snarled. He reached over across the table and grabbed Harry by the collar, yanking him forward.

"Whoa, take it easy, pal!" Harry cried, waving his arms frantically. "No need to get all riled up! It's just a friendly game!"

"Yeah, Louie, relax," Paulie said. "Harry ain't worth it! He's a slug! A cockroach!"

"Paulie's right," Big Mac added. "Harry's a nobody. A worm. An insect. Don't waste your time!"

"They're right, I'm pathetic!" Harry nodded vigorously.

Louie glared at Harry, but relaxed his grip enough for Harry to wriggle free. "That's better," Harry huffed, straightening his lapels. "Now, why don't we get back to…"

Suddenly two cards fluttered out of his jacket, landing face up on the table. A jack and a queen of hearts. The others looked at the cards, and then at Harry with identical murderous looks.

"On second thought, I'm feeling kind of tired. I think I'll call it a night," Harry gulped. He grabbed his briefcase and tried to run, but was quickly grabbed by Paulie and Big Mac. The two held him for Louie, who delivered a few punches to the gut; Harry's legs buckled and he sank to his knees gasping for breath. Louie knelt down so that the two of them were eye level, and uttered the ominous words no one ever wanted to hear from a guy like him:

"How 'bout we go for a little ride?"

_I gotta tell ya, I thought I was a goner for sure. They drove me to the warehouse district, or as those in "the business" call it, No Man's Land. No one goes there in the middle of the night unless they have rather…unsavory…intentions, but I guess you already knew that. Lucky for me Paulie'd had a few too many, and he never saw the lamppost. _

Harry was in a lot of pain.

He and his briefcase were bouncing around in the trunk like ping pong balls when the car came to an abrupt halt, going from 60mph to 0 in a spit second. Harry hit the hood of the trunk with such force it popped open. Lying in a daze, he wanted nothing more than close his eyes and sleep, but he knew if he didn't escape now, Louie would see to it that he took a permanent nap.

Slowly, quietly, ignoring the screams of protest from every inch of his body, Harry grabbed his briefcase and crawled out of the trunk. He peered around the fender; the front of the car was crumpled against a lamppost, steam rising up from under the remains of the hood. Louie was shouting at Paulie, while Big Mac leaned against the driver's side with a bloody sweatshirt pressed against his forehead; they seemed to have forgotten all about the passenger in the trunk.

Harry tiptoed away from the wreck. "Looks like Lady Luck is still on my side," he chuckled.

At that moment he accidentally stepped on a tin can; the sharp crunching sound it made as it crumpled under his weight echoed though the narrow alley like a shotgun, immediately drawing the attention of his former companions.

Still aching but fueled by intense fear, Harry took off like a shot. He ran and ran until he could no longer hear the sound of footsteps right behind him. Still, he didn't dare stop until he had a good place to hide. He grabbed the first door handle he saw, one that was attached to a dilapidated old warehouse, and pushed. To his surprise it opened, and he quickly slipped inside.

The warehouse was packed with blocks of large wooden crates stacked six crates wide and three crates high; the spaces in between each block carved out an endless maze of narrow pathways. Not wanting to take any chances, Harry hurried into the labyrinth, taking one turn after another, until he was sure that there was no way they would find him. Only then did he feel safe enough to relax.

His adrenaline spent, Harry's body turned to jelly and he sank to the floor. He curled up in a ball, laying his head on his briefcase and cradling it like a pillow. He listened for any other signs of life, but the warehouse was still; as the quiet settled around him, his fear gave way to anger.

"They'll see," he muttered, patting his briefcase. "They think I'm a loser. A nobody. But we'll show 'em, won't we? We'll show 'em all!"

On that thought, he fell fast asleep.

----------

Hours later Harry awoke to the sound of voices. A jolt of panic shot through him and he curled into an even tighter ball, hugging the briefcase even closer. The voices sounded like they were coming from the other end of the warehouse; ten minutes later he gathered enough nerve to get up and get out of there. He tired to navigate his way through the maze of crates by retracing his steps, but everything looked the same. Suddenly he stepped out from the crates and into a clearing…that was filled with Purple Dragons.

Harry screeched to a halt and ran back into the maze so fast he left skid marks. Too scared to run, he plastered himself against the crates in an attempt to make himself invisible. It was just his luck to stumble across a Dragon hideout. He knew all about the Purple Dragons, especially what they did to intruders; at that moment he desperately wished he was back in Louie's trunk.

Slowly, very slowly, he peeked around the corner. Luckily the Dragons all had their backs to him; even so, Harry recognized one of them. His massive frame towered over everyone else, and could only belong to one man: The Purple Dragon's leader, Hun.

Hun was talking to a man on a jumbo TV screen that was facing Harry. Judging from the fancy suit the guy was wearing, Harry guessed he wasn't from the streets, but rather one of those executive types who usually rubbed elbows with lawyers and bankers and politicians. What was he doing talking to a lowlife like Hun? Despite his better judgment, Harry leaned forward and listened.

"So the hijacking went off without a hitch?" The executive asked.

"Of course it did," Hun snapped. "You're not dealing with some small time hood, you know!"

"My apologies," the man replied. "I trust you wired the money to my offshore account."

"It'll be posted tomorrow," Hun said. "Twice your usual fee, as agreed. This device had better be worth the money, Agent Hawthorn."

"Trust me, Hun, with that device you will put the Foot and all the other mafia out of business," Agent Hawthorn smirked. "New York will be all yours. There's just one very important thing you need to remember…"

Harry was so engrossed in the conversation he didn't realize he'd been spotted until it was too late; he was seized by the collar, dragged from his hiding place and thrown to the ground so fast he didn't know what had happened until he found himself staring up at Hun's angry face.

"Well, who have we got here?" Hun growled.

"We found him snooping around the crates, boss," said a scary looking young man with a spiked Mohawk and dragon tattoos covering his arms. Hun glared at him, and the young man instantly went from scary guy to scared guy. "I mean, Master Hun," he gulped.

"What's going on, Hun? Who is that?" Agent Hawthorn cried. "You said this channel was secure! If Agent Bishop finds out…"

"Relax, Agent Hawthorn," Hun said. "I don't know this guy, but I know his type. He's nobody. Which means…nobody will miss him." Hun pulled an alien blaster from his belt and aimed it at Harry.

Suddenly the wallholding the jumbo TV screen exploded in a cloud of dust and debris, sending the startled Dragons running for cover. Heavily armed men poured through the hole in the wall; bringing up the rear was an imposing figure dressed on black.

"Attention, Purple Dragons!" The man in black cried through a bullhorn. "You are in possession of stolen government property! Drop your firearms and put your hands in the air now!"

The Dragons responded by opening fire, which the government agents returned in spades; Harry scrambled on his hands and knees to get out of the line of fire. Miraculously, he managed to reach the safety of the crates, but his relief was cut short when he realized he didn't have his precious briefcase. Looking around wildly, he spotted it twenty yards away, kicked to the corner in all of the confusion. Harry only hesitated for a second; eyes focused on the prize, he ignored the lasers whizzing past his head as he raced through the crossfire and grabbed the briefcase.

"Yes!" Harry cried, triumphantly holdingit above his head. "For once I am a win…" Before he could finish the sentence the briefcase was kicked out of his hands and he was knocked to the floor by the young Dragon with the Mohawk.

"Time to score some points with the boss," He sneered, aiming his gun at Harry's head.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and braced himself, but instead of the sound of lasers tearing through his flesh, he heard the Dragon grunt loudly in pain as something very big slammed into him. Harry's eyes snapped open and he saw a short green figure with a sword in each hand standing over the now-unconscious punk.

The con man could hardly believe it; it was the same creature he had seen several months earlier, along with at least three others. Harry looked around and sure enough there they were, in the heat of the battle. The creature with the swords looked at Harry and the two locked eyes. Harry scooted back, unsure if it had just saved him or was about to filet him with those swords; the creature answered his question by turning and taking off without uttering a word. Harry watched him join his friends as they battled with the Purple Dragons and the government; in the smoke and chaos it was hard to tell which side they were on, if any.

Suddenly Harry realized that no one was paying him any attention. Seizing the opportunity, he scurried over to the briefcase, snatched it up, and slipped away into the night.

**TBC…**


	3. The Big Break

_I swear, it was in no way…what did you call it…premeditated. See, I don't even know what that means, so how could I possibly have done it? With all the lasers and swords and Lord only knows what else flying around in that warehouse, all I could think about was getting the hell out of there! And once I was out, I ran straight home! No kidding! Thirty-six blocks is nothing when you're afraid for your life! _

The Royal Hotel was one of those ironic names; aside from the junkie who called himself Princess Polly Wolly Doodle, no royalty had ever come anywhere near the place. The building was beyond decrepit; the paint was peeling, the halls reeked of urine, the cockroaches outnumbered tenants ten to one, and mold was slowly creeping into every nook and cranny that hadn't rotted away.

Harry had never been so glad to be home.

He walked up the steps, carefully stepping over Princess Polly Wolly Doodle, who was camped out in front as usual. Wrapped tightly in a sour-smelling blanket, he opened his eyes and smiled at Harry.

"Careful, honey," Princess said in his usual high-pitched voice. "The Beast is looking for you."

"Great," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "This day could not get any better."

He went inside, carefully tiptoeing past apartment 1A. It was the lair of the Beast, otherwise known as Rose the landlady; fortunately she was asleep, snoring so loudly that the door to her apartment rattled. Harry climbed the ten flights of stairs to his apartment, opened the door and flicked on the light; ignoring the frantic scurrying of his many roommates as they slipped through the cracks in the walls, he tossed the briefcase onto the bed and flopped down next to it.

Harry glanced at the clock. 5 a.m. He was far too wired to sleep; instead, he tried to calm himself down and process all that had happened in the past few hours. The fact that he had crossed paths with the Purple Dragons and the government in one night was crazy enough, but to see those alien creatures again…

This wasn't the first time Harry had seen some crazy stuff. He remembered the day he adopted his robot "son" and went on a crime spree; it was the only time in his life he'd actually been a success, and those weirdoes ruined everything. He'd thought about those aliens a lot while he was in prison, trying to figure out what they were, and how he'd love to get even with them if he could. Oh sure, it was just a pipe dream; he'd seen them fight and knew revenge was out of the question, but it helped pass the time.

Then the robot came looking for him, which was great at first but quickly turned into a nightmare. The aliens showed up again, and this time they rescued him; still, he ended up back in prison, and the loot he'd stashed for his early retirement went back to its rightful owners.

Strike two for Harry, all because of those aliens.

He was positive they were aliens. From the moment he first saw them he'd suspected they weren't from Earth, but seeing their picture in the paper the day after aliens tired to kidnap the President was the clincher. He wondered if the aliens and his robot were from the same planet. Perhaps they had come to Earth to settle an old score? Those were the questions that occupied his mind during his second stint in prison, before his lawyer got him released. Who said public defenders were useless? Not him, at least not anymore.

Harry looked at the briefcase. Forget the aliens. He had a sure thing, all nice and legal, and nothing could go wrong now. He opened the briefcase to once again to gaze upon his meal ticket, and got the shock of his life.

_You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw what was in there. I didn't know exactly what I had, but I knew one thing…if the government, the Purple Dragons and the aliens wanted it, it had to be worth a bundle! At that moment I realized I was staring at the one thing I had been waiting for my whole life…my big break._

Harry slammed the briefcase shut. He tried to calm down, but it wasn't easy when one of your biggest fantasies had finally come true; ideas on how to spend the money he would get from selling the thing were already swarming his head. Harry lay back and savored the possibilities…a gold plated truck, a hair weave, escorts, answer me dammit, a steak dinner, clothes that didn't smell like mold, escorts, get out of my building, a weekend in Vegas, solid oak toothpicks, touch me again and…

"I'LL CASTRATE YOU LIKE THE FILTHY DOGS YOU ARE!"

Harry jumped up at the sound of the Beast's angry roar, which was coming from outside. He ran to the window and saw Rose in a very violent confrontation with the same men in black he had seen in the warehouse. The odds were staggering: One heavyset, middle-aged woman armed with a potato peeler, squaring off against a dozen highly trained government agents. Harry shook his head in pity; those poor bastards didn't stand a chance. Still, he welcomed the distraction.

He grabbed the briefcase and ran for the door. Just as he reached for the knob, there was a loud angry knock.

"Harry Parker! This is the U.S. government! Open this door or we'll break it down!"

Harry backed away, clutching the briefcase.

"You have until the count of three!" The voice behind the door cried. "One…"

Harry's mind raced. Feds at the door, Feds in the street…

"Two…"

Suddenly the solution hit him, like a ray of sunlight forcing its way through dark storm clouds …

"THREE!"

_You're probably wondering how a schmuck like me managed to escape a dozen government agents. I took my emergency escape route, one I had honed to such perfection that no one could ever, ever follow me. Hey, don't get me wrong, you guys are very good at what you do, but you've got nothing on a 300 pound Puerto Rican woman looking for three month's worth of late rent. _

"Can I get you anything else?" The waitress asked for the fourth time.

"No, go away!" Harry snapped.

The waitress shot him daggers before moving on, but Harry hardly noticed. He'd been sitting in the all night coffee shop for over an hour, clutching his now ice-cold cup o' Joe, contemplating his next move.

After he escaped from the Feds, the first thing he did was stash the briefcase in a safe place; that way, if he was caught, at least he had a bargaining chip. Still, the question remained what to do next. He was sitting on a gold mine with no way of selling it; the Feds had found him so quickly, it was safe to assume that the Dragons could find him just as easily. If he wanted to live long enough to enjoy his spoils, he needed a plan.

Then the light bulb went on. It seemed so obvious all of a sudden. Harry jumped up and ran out of the diner, leaving the unpaid tab in his dust. He ran several blocks, then several more, then several more…and then several more. Finally he found a working pay phone (which is no small miracle in New York City), and placed a call.

"Hello?" A slurred voice said.

"Joey? Joey, it's me, Harry!" Harry yelled into the receiver.

"Harry? Do you know what time it is?" Joey growled.

"I'm in real trouble, Joey, I need to get out of town. Far, far out of town," Harry said.

"So what else is new?" Joey snapped. "Goodnight."

"Don't hang up! Harry cried. "I need your deluxe package ASAP! A passport and a one-way ticket to Mexico!"

There was a brief pause. "You know that runs five grand. No way you could afford it."

"C'mon, Joey, you know I'm good for it!" Harry pleaded.

Another pause. "If I give it to you," Joey said slowly, "will you stay away a long, long time?"

"You can count on it!" Harry said, imagining a little beach house in the Bahamas with several scantily-clad women serving him drinks.

"All right, all right," Joey grumbled. "It'll be ready the day after tomorrow."

"Three days?" Harry yelped. "Joey, you don't understand…I have to get out of town now!"

"You and about a dozen other felons," Joey snapped. "You'll wait your turn like everybody else."

"But what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" Harry whined. "I can't go home!"

"So stay with a friend!" Joey snapped right before he hung up.

Harry stared at the receiver. A friend? There weren't a lot of candidates on that ballet. He thought hard. Maybe he could call Bruce…no, he owed him money…Trish? No way! Never! He'd sooner die than…

Suddenly the panes in the phone booth shattered around him one by one. Harry instinctively ducked and scrambled out of the booth and into the street; he was horrified to see a carload of Purple Dragons barreling down on him, one of whom was hanging out the rear window with a blaster.

Harry ducked into the first alley he saw, hoping to shake them off, but he could hear the roar of the car's engine behind him. He ran faster, but the roar was getting closer and closer, ready to snatch him up in its jaws…

Suddenly Harry was lifted high above the ground; he saw the car zoom by underneath his feet as he was hauled up onto the fire escape, where he found himself face-to-face with one of the aliens. Instantly Harry froze up; he wanted desperately to run, to scream, but he could not will his body to do so.

"Raph, come on!" A voice yelled from above. Harry looked up and saw the other three aliens higher up on the fire escape.

The one called Raph glared at Harry. "Let's go," he growled, grabbing Harry's arm. Harry remained rooted in place, too scared to do as he was told, and too scared not to do as he was told.

By now the Dragons had thrown the car into reverse and came to a screeching halt in front of the fire escape; six Dragons poured out, each heavily armed. They swarmed the fire escape like ravenous fire ants.

"LET'S GO!" Raph yelled over the sound of laser blasts, pulling Harry forward. Still Harry was unable to move; with a frustrated grunt, Raph picked up Harry, slung him over his shoulder, and hopped up the fire escape and onto the roof.

The rest was all a blur. Between all the jostling, the jumping from rooftop to rooftop, and the constant sound of laser blasts, Harry passed out…

----------

Harry regained consciousness to the sounds of the alien's voices. He kept his eyes tightly shut and tried to get a handle on his surroundings. He could tell he was stretched out on something soft. Maybe it was a couch…or maybe it was a comfy dissection table. He lay perfectly still and listened.

"We're wasting time here, Leo! This guy doesn't know anything!"

"He was at the warehouse last night, and both Bishop and Hun are trying to kill him! He must have something to do with whatever's going on. Something important."

Harry tensed slightly. So the aliens were after the device too. Maybe they were planning to use it to conquer the planet; who knew what they'd do to him to get it? Forcing himself to remain perfectly still, Harry began to think. Maybe he could talk his way out of this; the aliens didn't know how he was involved, and to his advantage they didn't seem to remember him.

"He ain't a Dragon and he ain't one of Bishop's guys. You really think he's in their league? I bet they wouldn't even spit in his direction!"

"No, but this is Harry we're talking about! The guy's an opportunistic little weasel! Or have you forgotten _both_ nanobot incidents?"

Crap.

"Guys, calm down. We need to tread carefully here. Harry's been through a lot, and the last thing we want to do is trigger some kind of post-traumatic stress."

"In English, please, Mr. Brainiac!"

"If we freak him out too badly, he might block out the events of the past few hours. If that happens it could take days to get anything useful out of him!"

Days? An idea began to form in Harry's opportunistic little weasel head…

"Can the pscho-babble, Don! I know how to talk to the guy!" Harry felt his left shoulder shake violently. "Rise and shine, Harry! We've got some questions for you!"

Harry sat bolt upright and stared at the four green faces surrounding him. "ALIENS!" He screamed as he scrambled behind the couch. "DON'T DISSECT ME! PLEASE!"

An alien wearing purple peered over the couch and down on Harry's cowering form. "Relax, Harry, no one is going to hurt you…"

"Harry? Who's Harry?" Harry gulped. "I'm…I'm…who am I?"

"You don't know who you are?" The purple alien asked.

"N-no…" Harry gulped. He buried his head in his hands.

"There, there," the purple alien said soothingly. "You're safe now. Please come out from behind the couch, and we'll talk."

Slowly, hesitantly, Harry stood up and came out from behind the couch. He studied the faces of the four aliens; their expressions ranged from angry to curious, but none of them gave him the impression that they were about to crack him open and suck out his innards. That gave Harry the encouragement he needed to continue.

"I don't know what happened…I was playing a friendly game of cards with some close personal friends, and then…and then…I don't remember anything after that!" He sank onto the couch and buried his head in his hands again, this time managing to choke out a few sobs.

"Give me a break," the red alien growled. Harry's heart skipped a beat.

"Shut up, Raph," the blue alien snapped. He then turned to Harry. "Harry, are you sure you don't remember anything? Think hard."

Harry looked around. The aliens' space ship was unlike anything he had ever seen. They were probably orbiting the Earth at that very moment...which meant there was no way anyone could find him.

"I…I can't remember. I'm sorry," Harry sighed.

"That's okay, it will come to you," the purple alien said. "In the meantime, is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?"

"Well…" Harry said, pretending to think. "I could go for some grub. And my shows are on. You get cable all the way up here?"

**TBC…**


	4. It Came From the Surface, part 1

_I never spent a lot of time imagining what the inside of a UFO looked like, but I've seen enough Star Trek episodes to have a pretty good idea…or so I thought. These aliens' spaceship was not at all what I expected. It looked more like a really swank bachelor pad, something Captain Kirk would have had if he wasn't on that five year mission in space. It sure would have impressed the space babes, not that a guy like him needed any help in that category…but I digress. Truth is, nothing about those aliens seemed…alien. _

Harry only pretended to watch TV as he munched on his third helping of fried chicken, biscuits, potatoes and gravy. He was somewhat disappointed by the menu; one would think they would have some sort of superior, futuristic food that maybe cured baldness. Still, a hot meal was a hot meal.

Anyway, Harry kept one eye on the aliens, studying them, just so he knew exactly what he was dealing with, and how to deal with them.

The blue alien, Leonardo, was the leader of the group. The guy was all business, uptight and completely focused on his objectives. He reminded Harry of the kid who was always sucking up to the teacher by reminding her to assign homework, or offering to clap erasers after class. He was the one calling the shots, so it was important to stay on his good side.

The purple alien was Don, the science officer. As the resident nerd, he came complete with a lab and a really big vocabulary. He spent so much of his time in front of his computer that Harry wouldn't have been at all surprised if the alien had given it a girl's name. The others greatly valued his opinion, so in order to keep his scam alive Harry had to keep Don convinced of his "condition."

Mike, or Mikey, was the easiest mark of all. The resident goofball, he was always clowning around and annoying the others; Mike loved attention, and Harry was willing to give him all the attention he wanted. He knew the other aliens would always be suspicious of him, so he needed someone who was in his corner; someone gullible, to even the odds. Mike fit the bill perfectly.

Then there was the red alien, Raph. He was the one to watch out for. Cynical and intimidating, with a huge chip on his shoulder, Raph was just like every bookie, loan shark, and dealer Harry ever had the displeasure of dealing with. Thanks to previous experience (in the form of many broken bones), Harry knew the best thing to do was to steer clear of Raph; if that wasn't possible, Mike would serve as excellent cannon fodder.

"Can I get you anything else, Harry?" Cannon Fodder (er, Mike) asked.

"Huh? No, I'm good," Harry said, hastily wiping his mouth. "But I gotta say, I didn't think alien grub tasted like chicken."

"Don't you know?" Mike asked, looking surprised. "Chickens are aliens!"

Harry's eyes grew wide. "Really?"

"Really," Mike nodded. "We aliens brought chickens with us when we came to Earth to build the pyramids. All that work really builds up an appetite."

"You're kidding," Harry gasped.

"Nope. The pyramids were supposed to be vacation homes," Mike continued. "Mars gets pretty chilly in winter. But then you humans filled them up with dead people! How rude is that?"

"Um, I'm…sorry?" Harry said.

"You're forgiven," Mike smiled. "We decided Jupiter had a nicer view anyway. Luckily our homeowner's insurance covered dead humans, so we had the cash to build there."

"So, uh, what do you guys do for laughs around here?" Harry asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Mike's doing it now, but that's just him," Don said, joining the party. "Harry, I want to do a quick medical exam. Nothing intrusive, I just want to make sure there's nothing wrong with you physically."

"Aww, geez, is all that stuff really necessary? I feel fine." Harry gulped, eyeing the stethoscope, blood pressure cuff, and pen light Don carried. He hadn't been to a doctor in years, and if he didn't want a human poking and prodding him, he sure as hell wasn't about to give an alien that privilege.

"Well, we could always use the probe," Mike offered.

Harry jumped to his feet. "No, no, we'll do it Don's way. I just need to hit the can first."

"Good idea. Don's gonna want a sample."

"Ew, Mikey! Don't listen to him, Harry, his brain's the size of a walnut."

"Well I'd rather have a walnut brain than a big fat butt!"

"I do not have a fat butt!"

"Do too! I'm surprised you can fit into your shell!"

"At least I can lose weight! You'll always have a pea brain!"

"You mean walnut brain, don't you? Now who's the dumb one?"

Harry left the two bickering turtles and went in search of the bathroom. He walked past the kitchen and down the hall. At the end of the hall, on the right, was a door. He opened the door and found himself face-to-face with the last thing he wanted to see.

"Going somewhere?" Raph growled, leaning in until he was almost nose-to-beak with Harry.

"Um, no, I'm cool…" Harry gulped, stumbling backwards into the wall. "I'm…just…" rather than finish the sentence, Harry hurried back the way he came, past the kitchen, down towards the other end of the hall. Desperate to get away, he ducked into the first room he found, pulling apart a pair of sliding doors and stepping into a room that contained…

a giant rat.

It was kneeling on a mat facing Harry, eyes closed. Harry froze. He hated rats. They were dirty, disease ridden animals that destroyed half of Europe; granted, that was over 500 years ago, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen again.

Suddenly, the rat opened his eyes and looked at Harry, a pair of beady black marbles that bore right into the human's skull. "Can I help you, Mr. Parker?" He asked in a deep voice that to Harry sounded like a threat.

Harry suddenly felt lightheaded…

_Even though that had to be one of the worst moments of my life, it was actually a blessing in disguise. I got a nice soft bed in the alien infirmary, and Donnie Boy made sure I was comfortable. In fact, he was so concerned about my health that he ordered the others to cater to my every need. Nice kid, Donnie. I'm sorry he's going to get wasted because of all this, which I'd once again like to point out, is not my fault. _

"Hello…HELLO…HELLOOOOOO!" Harry yelled into the communicator Don had given him. "Where is everybody! I need help now!"

Finally, after what seemed like forever (at least to Harry), Leo came into the room. "What is it this time?" He snapped.

"Do I detect a hint of attitude?" Harry asked, cupping his hand to his ear for dramatic effect. "I'm sorry, I thought you and your brothers were trying to make up for the trauma I've suffered from the kidnapping and the giant rat! Or was I mistaken?"

"No," Leo sighed. "What can I do for you?"

"I've made all of my picks," Harry said, holding out a folded newspaper with the names of several racehorses circled. "You just gotta place the bets. And you better hurry, the first race starts in twenty minutes."

"Okay, just give me the money."

"Money?" Harry asked. "I don't have any money! Somehow it got lost during the violent confrontation between you guys and the Dragons! Or maybe it was those government folks? It's hard to say, since I was too terrified for my life to worry about where my wallet was!"

"Okay, Okay!" Leo huffed. "I'll take care of it!" He quickly left the room before Harry could make another demand.

Harry, however, was undeterred. "Hey, where's that brewski I asked for? I'm dying of thirst here!" He yelled into the communicator.

Once again the door slid open and Mike entered. "Hi, Harry. We don't have any alcohol, so I whipped up a smoothie."

Harry made no attempt to take the overflowing glass from Mike's hand. "No booze? I thought you aliens were an advanced race."

"We are. That's why we have no alcohol," Mike replied. He thrust the smoothie closer to Harry's face. "Just try it! Trust me, it's way better than booze!"

Harry sighed and took the smoothie. "Okay, but this had better be the best smoothie ever!" He took a large gulp, and promptly spit it back into the glass. "What the hell did you put in this?" He sputtered.

"A little of this and that. OJ, cranberry juice, yogurt…basically stuff I found in the fridge." Mike replied. He took the glass from Harry, sniffed it, then quickly pulled back and wrinkled his beak. "I guess I should have checked the expiration dates."

"I'm not gonna get a buzz off expired food! I've tried that before," Harry muttered. "I need liquor!"

"No, you don't," Don said as he entered the room, followed by Raphael. "You need to focus on getting your memory back, and you can't do that by killing brain cells."

Harry glared at Don. "Just the guy I wanted to see. I need to talk to you about this intercom." He held up the device. This 'high tech alien communication device,' as you call it, looks suspiciously like a baby monitor."

"What makes you say that?" Don asked.

"It's shaped like a big yellow duck and has Playskool stamped on the bottom!" Harry snapped. "This is totally offensive! I'm not a baby!"

Mike started to say something but stopped. "Nah, too easy," he smirked.

"I'm serious!" Harry continued, oblivious to Mike's comment. "A baby monitor is demeaning! Can't I get one of those bells with a handle like they have in cartoons?"

"Hey, if it wasn't for us you'd be roadkill by now!" Raph snapped. "How about showing a little gratitude?"

"I'm sorry, was I talking to you?" Harry snapped. "Why don't you make yourself useful and bring me another pillow! This one's too lumpy!"

Harry's blood alcohol level was so low it was clouding his judgment, not to mention it was making him cranky. That's why he didn't notice the stunned silence, or the worried looks Mike and Don were throwing at Raph, or the look on Raph's face which suggested that Harry had better say his prayers.

"What did you say?" Raph growled in his this-is-your-one-chance-to-beg-for-mercy voice.

"What's the matter, you got waxy buildup in your ears?" Harry snapped. "Pillow. Now. Chop Chop!"

"Harry, you should get some rest," Don said, quickly stepping in front of Raphael. "Mike, Raph, let's get out of here and let Harry rest." Mike helped Don push Raphael out of the room, who luckily was too busy chocking on his own rage to offer any resistance.

Harry sighed and fell back onto the lumpy pillow. How was he supposed to fall asleep without a little nightcap? He tossed and turned for fifteen minutes before he gave up and decided to go in search of something with alcoholic content. Slowly he slid the door open and peeked out into the common area. He could see Mike sitting on the couch watching TV, and Raphael pounding on a punching bag. Don's lab was right next door to the infirmary; Harry could hear the purple alien's voice coming from inside as he sneaked past.

"…so if you could put him up for a day or two, that would really help us out…his name?… um, Harry…Harry Parker…yes, that Harry…April?...April, calm down…I know, I know, but…I didn't mean…okay, okay! Sorry I asked!"

Harry made his way to the kitchen, which much to his relief was empty. He began to quietly rummage through the cupboards; he turned the place inside out in a matter of minutes, but all he found that even remotely sounded like alcohol was malt vinegar. Malt liquor, malt vinegar…could the two be related? Only one way to find out. Harry unscrewed the cap and was about to take a swig when…

"What do you mean he's gone?" Leo yelled.

"Hey, he was there a second ago!" Mike said.

"That's it!" Raph yelled. "When I get my hands on him I'm gonna…"

"Chill, bro! Harry probably just got up to get a snack or something. That's what I'd do," Mike said.

"Besides, he can't tell us what we need to know if you tear his head off!" Don cried.

"I'm not gonna tear his head off, I'm just gonna help him get his memory back," Raph said. "I'll just use a little sai therapy!"

Harry's heart pounded as he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards the kitchen. He frantically searched for an exit, but all he saw was a refrigerator, a stove, a spice rack, a clock, salt-and-pepper shakers shaped like roosters, a sink full of dirty dishes…

Then he spotted it. The one item that could get him out of his predicament. It wasn't his first choice, but it was the only way. Taking a deep breath, he seized it and…

The lights in the lair flickered wildly, and then several light bulbs suddenly exploded. The turtles rushed into the kitchen and let out a collective gasp.

Harry was sprawled on the floor unconscious. Next to him was the toaster, which had a fork sticking out of it. Immediately Don was at the con man's side examining him.

"Don, what happened?" Leo cried.

Don turned to his brothers, his face pale. "Harry's been electrocuted…and he's not breathing!"

**TBC…**


	5. It Came From the Surface, part 2

_It wasn't nearly as bad as it looked. It's a trick I picked up from my old man when I was a kid; you take a common household appliance, give yourself a jolt and then sue, sue, sue! Now your average con man would be content with slipping on icy sidewalks, or putting cockroaches in his breakfast burrito. Not my pop. He knew the big bucks were in "accidental" electrocution. The key is knowing which wire to poke so it only looks like you're near death. There's a very thin margin of error, so I wouldn't recommend it to an amateur. _

As Harry regained consciousness, he could hear the aliens' voices poking through the haze of his shell shocked brain…they sounded far away, but he knew from experience they were probably hovering right over him. Knowing he would not regain movement in his limbs for at least another two minutes, he lay there and listened.

"No way!"

"Don, you're the doctor here!"

"I'm not a doctor, I'm a scientist!"

"So was Dr. Spock! Same difference!"

"What are you…no it's not!"

"Yes it is!"

"I must concur with Mike."

"Me too."

"What? No! Guys, you're confusing Spock the Vulcan with…"

"Sorry, Don, majority rules."

"Hey, look! He just moved!"

"Nice try, Don, but you said so yourself…he's not breathing. You have to do it."

There was an eerie silence…then suddenly Harry felt something press against his mouth and blow into his lungs, followed by five quick compressions to his chest. Harry tried to struggle, to scream, but his body refused to respond; he was forced to endure another three rounds of CPR before…

"I'M ALIVE!" Harry screamed, bolting upright and knocking Don flat on his shell. "I'M ALIVE I'M ALIVE I'M ALIVE I'M…" a hard slap across his face brought Harry back to Earth. Literally. He hit the floor with a hard THUD.

"Sorry, but I just had to shut him up," Leo sheepishly told his startled brothers as Harry lay there groaning.

----------

"Whatcha doing?" Harry asked Mike between bites.

He was lying on the couch, where the turtles had moved him after his latest traumatic experience, eating peanut butter and crackers and watching Mike. The orange-clad alien was sitting on the floor surrounded by piles of comic books, taking each one and carefully wiping each page with a dust cloth before sliding them back into their protective plastic cover.

"I'm doing my annual comic book maintenance," Mike replied without taking his eyes off his work. "It's very delicate work that requires absolute concentration."

"What for?" Harry asked. "Are comic books a form of currency on your planet or something, 'cause they're a dime a dozen on Earth."

"Are you kidding? This is the finest collection of rare comics in the galaxy! The universe even! You should be honored to be in their presence," Mike huffed as he slid another newly cleaned comic into its plastic coat.

"Whatever," Harry groused. "If it wasn't for all these half-naked broads, these things wouldn't be good for anything but toilet paper!"

Mike was so offended that he turned to confront Harry, only to freeze in horror and disbelief at the grisly scene.

Harry was now sitting up on the couch, leafing through a _Justice Force_ comic with his sticky hands, crumbs spilling from his mouth and onto the pages as he spoke. "Seriously, I don't see what all the fuss is about," Harry muttered as he tossed the comic he was looking at onto the far corner of the couch, where it joined two other victims.

"MY BABIES!" Mike cried. He snatched the "injured" comics from the couch and cradled them like a wounded child. "Don't worry, kids, daddy's here. Daddy'll make it better…" he gingerly began to smooth out the papers, muttering to himself.

Leo suddenly appeared next to the couch. "Well, Harry, you seem to be feeling better," he said as he observed Mike's desperate rescue attempt. "Why don't we try jogging your memory? Now." Leo stressed the last word in a tone of voice that suggested it wasn't a request. Harry didn't need to be told twice.

Harry followed Leo into another room. Thin blue exercise mats lined the floor, and the walls were adorned with all sorts of weaponry that looked like it came out of a Samurai movie. At the far end of the room was a framed snapshot of a human that sort of resembled Bruce Lee. Or maybe Jet Lee. Jackie Chan?

"Hey, who's the Asian guy?" Harry asked Leo.

"A great man," Leo responded. He sat down crossed-legged on the floor and motioned for Harry to do the same. "What you need to do is clear you mind of all distractions, and focus. I am going to show you a few basic meditation techniques that will help you do just that. Close your eyes." Harry did so. "Now, we're going to start with breathing…"

"I already know how to breathe," Harry huffed.

"I know, Harry, but you need to breathe a certain way when you meditate. Just follow my lead. I want you to inhale slowly…and exhale slowly…inhale…exhale…"

"Breathe in, breathe out. Gee, that's much different than what I've been doing my whole life!"

"Will you please just listen?" Leo sighed in exasperation. "There's more to this than breathing in and out! It's about reaching a higher state of awareness…"

"I already know how to do that too," Harry interrupted. "All I need is a lime, some salt, and a fifth of tequila."

"Just shut up and do as I do!" Leo snapped. "Close your eyes…and…breathe in slowly…fill every single inch of your body with air, like you were slowly filling a balloon…and…breathe out…slowly…every last bit of breath…and…breathe in…like filling a balloon…and…breathe out…"

They repeated the exercise several times until Leo was satisfied Harry was ready for the next level. "Now…as you continue to breathe like I showed you…I want you to think back to last night…visualize the card game…look carefully…what do you see?"

"I see…men…three men…" Harry said.

"Good…who are they?" Leo asked.

"Paulie, Louie, and Big Mac."

"How do you know them? Are they with the Purple Dragons, or the government?"

"Nah, they're just local scum. Guys from the neighborhood."

"Okay now…the game is over…what's happening?"

"I win all the money…the guys are mad at me…like it's my fault they suck."

"Stay focused Harry…the guys are mad…what do they do next?"

"Paulie and Big Mac hold me down…Louie starts working me over…"

"And then what?"

"I kick Louie in the jaw and send him flying! Then I break free and give Paulie and Big Mac a taste! BAM! POW!"

"Harry…"

"Then I jump into my Mustang convertible and drive downtown…I go dancing at the Copacabana…"

"Harry…"

"I meet a 25-year-old yoga instructor named Sasha…she's all over me…she has a friend…"

"HARRY!"

Harry opened his eyes and saw a thoroughly irritated Leo staring back at him. "This is no time for jokes, Harry! You need to take this seriously!"

"Sorry, but this touchy-feely hippie crap just doesn't do it for me." Harry replied. He uncrossed his legs and stretched them in an attempt to get the circulation going again.

"It is not touchy-feely hippie crap!" Leo sputtered. "It's based on ancient Eastern philosophy that has been time-tested over hundreds of years!"

"That and a buck-fifty will get you a cup of coffee," Harry said. "So what?"

Leo's right eye began to twitch. "I think we need to take a break. Why don't you go…away."

Harry exited the dojo and ran straight into Don. "Just the man I wanted to see," Don said. "Come with me to my lab."

"What for?" Harry asked nervously. Nothing good could be waiting for him in an alien laboratory.

"Relax, I just want to try a memory exercise."

"I just tried a memory exercise with Leo. We're taking a break."

"Harry, please, this is important. Besides, don't you want your memory back?"

Harry sighed and followed Don into the lab. He was quite surprised by what he saw. Far from being a testament to advanced alien technology, the lab seemed kind of…makeshift, like something you'd find in a nerd's garage. An old workbench sat in the middle of the room, crammed with elaborate gadgets and gizmos. More gadgets and gizmos were stuffed into the numerous shelves that lined the walls. Instead of a sleek, artificially intelligent supercomputer, the alien had an ordinary desktop model. However, what was sitting next to the computer captured Harry's interest...an elaborately crafted, eight-sided box of some sort.

"Hey, what's this?" Harry asked, reaching for the box.

"Don't touch that!" Don cried. The purple alien snatched it up and placed it in the desk drawer. "It's nothing you need to worry about," he added quickly before changing the subject. "Now, I have a computer program designed to help stimulate the mind, specifically the memory. It will just take a few minutes to load."

Don sat down and began tapping the keyboard. Harry stood behind him, bored, looking around for anything that might be as interesting as the box. He noticed something gleaming from the top of one of the shelves, something that looked a lot like gold; it was well out of reach, so he stepped onto the second shelf and hoisted himself up. He then placed his foot on the third shelf. He hoisted himself up again, only this time the shelf began to tip forward; somehow Harry managed to leap out of harm's way before the shelf came crashing down onto the workbench with such force that it broke in half. Harry winced at the extent of the damage, and then looked at Donatello. The alien was also staring at the carnage, mouth agape, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. He looked at Harry and attempted to speak; his lips moved up and down, but no sound came out.

Raphael came running in. "What happened, Donnie?" He cried. Don looked at his brother and attempted to respond; this time all he managed was a few short hiccups.

Raph turned his attention to Harry. "I didn't do nothing," Harry gulped. "Donnie-boy and I were just trying a memory exercise."

"Well, I think it's time you and I tried an exercise," Raph growled. Seizing Harry's arm, he dragged the con man out of the lab and through the lair, past the couch, where Michelangelo was on his shell cell engaged in a rather animated conversation.

"C'mon Casey, please! It'll only be for one day, two days tops! You won't even know he's there! Please? Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssseeeee! Please please please please please please Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeee…"

Raph finally stopped in front of the large punching bag that was suspended from the ceiling. "Now, let me see your right hook."

Harry shot Raph a puzzled look, to which Raph responded "NOW!" Harry immediately punched the bag.

"Good," Raph growled. "Now your left. Now right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Now kick! Not like that, like this! Now kick! And punch right. Now left. And kick! Right, left, kick! Right, left, kick!"

When Leo arrived on the scene ten minutes later, Raph was barking orders at Harry as he skipped rope. "Raph, what are you doing?" Leo exclaimed. "How is this supposed to help Harry get his memory back?"

"It won't. I just thought he could use some exercise," Raph replied. "I mean, look at him!"

"Granted, but..."

Suddenly there was a loud groan, followed by a heavy thud. Leo and Raph turned their attention to Harry, who was lying sprawled on his back, face red as a beet, sweat pouring from all pores, and gasping for breath.

"Ooookay…" Raph blinked. "Infirmary or couch?"

_It was at that moment I knew those aliens had it in for me. They had tried hypnotizing me, crushing me with heavy machinery, poisoning me with a so-called "smoothie", and worst of all, making me eat right, not drink alcohol, and now, exercise! I wasn't going to stick around to see what they had in store for me next. I had to get out of there pronto!_

Harry slowly opened the door to the infirmary. He could see the aliens out in the lair. Slowly, silently, he crept out of the infirmary and hid behind a pillar about twenty feet away, peeking around the corner as far as he dared. They were gathered around a table, watching Don as he tinkered with an odd-looking helmet. Leo was speaking.

"Are you sure this thing is safe, Don? Considering your last experience with a Triceraton Mind Probe…"

"Hey, I'm all for anything that'll get him out of our hair," Raph said.

"Me too," Mike groused, thinking of his beloved comics covered in grease and crumbs.

"Don't worry, Leo," Don said. "With the modifications I've made, Harry won't feel a thing!"

Harry, whose terror had been mounting ever since the words "mind probe" involuntarily let out a squawk of fright, causing all four heads to turn and look at him. He instantly bolted into the nearest room, which happened to be Don's lab, and locked the door behind him.

Seconds the aliens were pounding on said door. "Harry, open up this instant!" Leo cried.

Harry heard the sound of a lock being jimmied. He knew he didn't have much time. Frantically he scanned the lab for any kind of weapon he could use. Then a light bulb went off inside his head as he remembered how Don had reacted when he tried to pick up that strange looking box. He yanked open the drawer and grabbed it just as the aliens burst through the door.

"Stay back! I'm not afraid to use this!" He cried, pointing the box at them. The aliens froze, eyes wide with fear.

"Harry, just calm down," Leo said, holding up his hands in front of him. "Put that down and let's talk about this."

It was too late. Suddenly the room filled with a blinding white light. Harry felt himself pulled through the air at breakneck speed, like a hooked fish being hauled to the surface, his body stretching like taffy. Then it was all over as quickly as it started; the light disappeared and Harry hit something soft, muddy, and cold.

He sat up and saw he had landed in a pigpen. The pigs were quite upset at the intrusion, squealing loudly and flapping their wings…

_Flapping their wings?_

Yes, each and every pig sported large, fluffy wings. Harry jumped up and scrambled over the fence. He found himself standing in front of an ordinary looking farmhouse. Aside from the pigs, everything seemed normal; the trees, the suns shining brightly in the clear blue sky…

_Suns. Plural._

Harry shrieked as he felt someone grab his shoulder. It was Raphael. For a moment he was relieved to see a familiar face, but it didn't last.

"Nice going, genius," Raph growled. "You just sent us to another dimension!"

"What are you talking about?" Harry cried. "Where are we?"

"I'll tell you where you are," Raph said, cracking his knuckles. "Whole-Lotta-Hurts-ville. Population: You!"

**TBC…**


	6. Now for Something Completely Different

_Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder…BAM! They really ought to label those alien thingamajigs, don't you think? I mean, if I'd seen a label on it that said WARNING: THIS THING WILL SEND YOU TO ANOTHER DIMENSION I never would have touched it! So there we were, stranded in an alien world with no idea how to get back. Luckily, I'm the kind of guy that rolls with the punches._

"WAKE UP HARRY!" Harry cried right before he smacked his head into a tree.

The turtles watched from a safe distance. Right after they arrived, Raph was ready to beat Harry up; however, upon hearing that they had been sent to a whole other universe, Harry proceeded to do the job for him.

"WAKE UP HARRY!" Harry yelled again right before smacking his head into a tree.

"Are we going to stop him?" Don asked.

"What for?" Raph asked.

Suddenly the farmhouse door slammed open; the turtles turned and saw an old man in overalls holding a machine gun. They reached for their weapons.

"Freeze!" The old man growled. "I wouldn't try nothing funny iffen I were you! From where I'm standing, my weapon beats your weapons!"

"We don't want any trouble," Leo said cautiously. "We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Talk to the gun!" The old man yelled right before he opened fire. The turtles quickly took cover. Harry, however, was still banging his head against the tree and had missed their entire exchange; catching the full force of the assault, his body jerked around a bit before hitting the ground.

"HARRY!" Raph cried. He lunged with lighting speed and knocked the gun out of the old man's hands.

"Okay, I think we got off on the wrong foot," the human gulped, backing away.

"Raph, wait!" Leo cried. He and Don were kneeling beside Harry. "These aren't bullets, they're…"

"Peanuts," Don said, holding up a peanut shell.

Raph turned to the old man. "Peanuts? Your gun fires peanuts?" He asked incredulously.

"Of course!" The old man huffed. "Peanuts are the deadliest weapon in the world! Everybody on the planet has a deadly peanut allergy!"

Harry sat up. "Geez, what hit me?" He groaned.

The old man stared at Harry in shock. "He's alive? Impossible! Unless…" he hurried over to Harry, shoving past Leo and Don to help him up. "Sorry about trying to kill you. No hard feelings, right?" He laughed, brushing dirt off Harry's jacket.

"Um…thanks, buddy," Harry blinked.

"Please, call me Julie," the old man laughed. "That's what my friends call me, and we are friends, right?"

"Julie?" Raph blinked.

"Yes, but you can call me Mr. Julie!" the old man snapped.

"Excuse me, um, Mr. Julie," Don said. "Maybe you can help us. We're looking for a large puzzle box of sorts. It's green, with crystals, and has eight sides…"

"I don't know anything like that," Julie huffed. "But if anyone would, it would be the Scribes. They know everything 'bout everything."

"Great, so where do we find them?" Leo asked.

"In Thebigcity, duh!" Julie said. "I sell my dingleberrys at the marketplace. I could give you a lift, but the crop hasn't been harvested yet. It takes several days for me to do it, what with me being an old man and all…" he started to cough.

Leo sighed. "We'll be happy to do it for you."

Julie suddenly perked up. "Great! The gathering baskets are in the barn, and the dingleberry fields are only a brisk five mile hike to the north. While you do that, I'll entertain your friend here," he turned to Harry. "You like tequila?"

"If it's got alcohol in it, I love it!" Harry exclaimed. "And call me Harry."

"Harry?" The old man blinked. "That's an odd name for a man." He steered Harry towards the farmhouse, away from the stunned stares of his four new laborers.

----------

Eight hours later, four exhausted turtles dragged the last of the gathering baskets to the farmhouse. As they were loading it into the pickup truck, Julie and Harry emerged from the farmhouse. "Are you done yet?" Julie snapped. We need to get going now if we're going to get to Thebigcity before dark!"

"We would have been done sooner if we had help!" Raph snapped.

"Hey, you're not the only ones who had it rough!" Harry snapped. "There's no such thing as limes in this dimension! How am I supposed to do tequila shots without limes??"

"Right now, all I care about is sitting down. I don't even care how bad these dingleberries smell," Michelangelo groaned, hoisting himself up onto the truck's bed. The other turtles began to climb into the back.

"What do you think you're doing?" Julie snapped. "Who's going to pull the truck?"

"Pull the truck?" Leo blinked.

"Yes, pull the truck!" Julie said, thoroughly exasperated. "It ain't gonna go by itself, you know!"

The turtles looked around the truck and sure enough, there were four harnesses attached to the front bumper.

"You have got to be kidding!" Raph exclaimed. "No way! C'mon guys, we don't need this jerk! We can find this place ourselves!"

"Wait, guys, let's not be hasty!" Harry exclaimed. "Julie says the town is only forty miles away! It's a snap!"

"Forget it, Harry, these young fellas have clearly made up their minds, and we can't stop them." Julie sighed.

"Damn right!" Raph growled. He and his brothers began to walk away.

"I'm sure you can get to the city yourselves. All you have to do is follow the road up yonder…"

"Which way?" Harry asked.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Julie replied. "Just like you'll figure out which turn to make at the fork in the road…the one that leads into town and not the one that leads into the valley of unspeakable terror…"

The turtles stopped and looked back at him skeptically. Julie threw up his hands. "Of course, maybe these are just the ramblings of an old man…or someone who lives in this world and knows what's what."

"Come on, guys," Leo sighed, walking over to the harness. "Let's saddle up."

----------

The turtles grunted and groaned as they pulled the truck down a lonely dusty road that cut a path through an endless barren field. Harry and Julie sat on the hood of the pickup, laughing and drinking.

"Those two are certainly chummy," Don muttered. "You'd think they were long-lost twins or something."

"Harry's a slimeball, but Julie's been treating him like a prince, waiting on him hand and foot," Leo said. "Why?"

"It happened right after he found out Harry isn't allergic to peanuts," Mike said. "We're not allergic to peanuts either, so why isn't he waiting on us hand and foot?"

"Because the humans always stick together," Raph growled. "It's plain old species-ism!"

"Quiet!" Julie drunkenly yelled. "We're coming to the fork in the road! Go right! Be quiet and go right!"

They turned right. Harry started to talk, but Julie quickly hushed him. They continued in silence for a few minutes. Not surprisingly, it was Mike who spoke first. "How come…"

"SHHH!" Julie whispered loudly. "We're not far enough away yet. They still might hear you."

"Who?" Don asked.

"Never you mind. Just pray you never have to find out."

"Please!" Harry laughed, chock full o' liquid courage. "I bet I could take 'em with one hand tied behind my back!"

Julie smiled at his guest. "I'm sure of it. Now shut your trap."

----------

Some time later, as the last of the suns began to set in the South, the exhausted green pack mules pulled the truck through the gates of Thebigcity, which in fact looked quite medieval. A large stone wall, about fifty feet high, surrounded the town. Once through the gates, they followed a winding narrow cobblestone street, passing countless stone buildings with thatched roofs and wooden shutters. They soon came to a large bustling town square, where merchants were selling everything from vegetables to scaly, horned chickens; the normal market noise gave way to dead silence as the party made its way into the center of the square, where Julie instructed the turtles to stop.

A crowd quickly circled the truck. The turtles instinctively slipped out of their harnesses and reached for their weapons. Harry, oblivious as usual, threw back his head and held the tequila bottle upside down above his mouth, determined to catch the last few drops.

"Is that him?" A woman asked.

"Yup," Julie said, jumping off the hood of the car and ducking for cover. The crowd suddenly pulled out a wide array of guns and opened fire on their tanked target; Harry was pelted with peanuts at every turn.

"OW OW OW OW!" Harry cried as he vainly tried to fend off the attack.

"Um, should we do something?" Don blinked.

"Why?" Raph asked.

Just as quickly as it started, the barrage stopped. Harry slid off the roof and fell to the ground in a heap. The crowd held his breath; when Harry staggered to his feet, they suddenly burst into cheers.

"Did I not tell you? Did I not say he was THE ONE?" Julie cried.

"You wanna fight?" Harry snarled, throwing a few drunken punches into the air. "Bring it on!"

The jubilant crowd rushed Harry, hoisted him into the air, and carried him off. Left behind, the turtles blinked in confusion.

"What…what just happened?" Mike blinked.

"I don't know, but I'll bet if we follow them we'll find out," Leo said. They took off after the crowd, which was heading towards a castle on a hill in the center of town.

----------

Harry awoke to a dream.

He was lying naked in a large, clean bed, wrapped in sheets as soft as clouds that smelled like lavender. He remembered consuming massive amounts of alcohol, yet he wasn't hung over; in fact, he never felt better. For once he remembered everything that had happened the previous day…the trip to another universe…the adoring crowds…the castle…the party in his honor…the feast…the girls…and peanuts. Lots of peanuts.

It had to be a dream.

No, it was too good to be a dream. He had to be dead. That doohickey he grabbed back in Don's lab must have exploded and now he was dead and in heaven.

"Harry?"

Harry opened his eyes to see the aliens staring down at him. At that moment he knew it wasn't heaven; there was no way those four would be there. "Geez, can't a guy have a moment's peace around here?" He groused as he sat up.

"Harry, you've been asleep for twelve hours," Mike commented.

"And you were partying for about twelve hours before that," Raph said.

"I know," Harry smiled. "Isn't this place great?"

"Harry, haven't you wondered why…" Don began. He was interrupted when the door opened and a beautiful blonde young woman dressed in a short silk bathrobe stepped inside. "Hello, Mighty One," she purred in Harry's direction. "Your illustrious presence is requested in the Great Hall for breakfast in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Bruce, I'll be there," Harry smiled. "However, that does leave me with some time to kill…"

Bruce smiled seductively and began to untie the belt on her robe. The turtles looked at her and then at Harry; all four of them simultaneously turned a different shade of green. "Who's up for breakfast?" Leo cried right before he bolted out the door, his brothers hot on his heels.

----------

Breakfast was a low-key affair compared to the previous night's banquet. There were only three hundred people and one live band. The wine waterfall had been replaced by a modest mimosa fountain. Harry was, of course, the guest of honor, seated at the head table along with the Scribes. They dined on green eggs and ham while enjoying a performance of the traditional Fish Slapping Dance.

Everybody was so busy enjoying the breakfast in honor of The One they didn't notice two pairs of green hands pluck The One from his seat and drag him into a dark hallway.

"What do you think you're doing!" Harry sputtered, shaking them off. "I should have you arrested for this! I can do it, I am The One!"

That last comment earned him a smack on the head from Raph. "Can it, rummy, and listen up! All this fuss over you ain't what you think!"

"Haven't you wondered why they call you 'The One'?" Don asked.

"Don't forget Great One and Mighty One," Harry said. "And no, I don't! It's about time someone appreciated me and everything I have to offer!"

"Like what, a bloated liver?" Leo snapped. "Look, we've talked to the Scribes. They told us where to find the gateway home. If we leave now we can be there in a few hours."

"We're all packed and ready to go," Mike said, motioning to four backpacks. "We even packed your favorite food, liquid cheese and beef jerky!"

"You do what you want, I'm staying here," Harry said, folding his arms.

"Trust me, Harry, you do not want to stay here!" Don said. "The Scribes said…"

"Please, Don, don't try to con a con man," Harry snapped. "I know what's going on here. You guys are jealous! I'm going to live like a King for the rest of my life, and you lose your favorite whipping boy! Too bad! Adios! See you later!"

The turtles exchanged glances. "All right, Harry, if that's how you feel, we'll be on our way," Leo said. "Let's go, guys."

"If you change your mind, just follow the road through town, out the back gate, and keep going," Mike said casually, shrugging on his backpack.

"Whatever," Harry yawned. "Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to miss the finale." He got back to his seat just as they were stuffing the fish into a giant cannon.

----------

"I tell you, Amy, I could die a happy man right now," Harry said.

He was sitting in the backseat of a Mustang convertible with Amy, the Master Scribe. In front sat two Senior Scribes. A burly servant drove the car, which was being pulled by the royal steeds, giant blue birds that resembled ostriches.

Harry couldn't stop grinning. Soon all of the royal stuff would be his. Amy explained that as The One, he had one task to complete. After that, it was back to the castle for his coronation.

Harry leaned back and closed his eyes. He tried to decide on his royal title. King Harry. King Henry. King Henry the First….

The car suddenly made a sharp right turn. Harry opened his eyes. They were at the fork in the road he had passed on the way to town, and were now riding down the path that had made Julie nervous. About half a mile later they came to a stop next to a steep slope. The Scribes and servant got out of the car. Amy tuned and motioned for Harry, but Harry didn't budge.

"Are we in the right place? I mean, I heard this isn't a very good place to stop." Harry gulped.

"Not anymore," Amy smiled. "Follow us, and soon the keys to the kingdom will be yours!"

Harry reluctantly got out of the car. They walked down the hill together, stopping at the bottom; one hundred feet away was the entrance to a cave.

Amy turned and addressed the small party. "My friends, today marks the end of a dark chapter in history. For too long we have been terrorized by the Beasts. Long ago, the Ancient Scribes foretold of a hero from another world that would free us from this evil, and become our new king! That day has now come! We are here to bear witness to his victory, and record it for the ages!" On cue, the servant opened a large book and held it in front of the Senior Scribes, who stood with quills ready.

Harry didn't quite understand Amy's flowery language, but he had a sickening feeling it had to do with him. He began to back away. "Hey, guys, I just remembered something I gotta do…"

"The Beasts are coming!" a Scribe cried. Alarmed, Harry turned and saw several creatures emerge from the cave. They were small…and white…and furry…and hopping.

They began to graze peacefully, apparently oblivious to the people watching them. Harry looked around and saw the others cringing. "Where are the Beasts? Behind the rabbits?"

"Are you crazy? They are the rabbits!" Amy cried. "I beg you, my lord, vanquish the evil ones!"

"The rabbits?" Harry snorted. "Are you serious? Oh, okay, I'll take care of it." He made a big show of taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

While he was doing that, a large buck with giant antlers wandered into the rabbit's grazing area. The rabbits looked up at the intruder, and suddenly sprouted inch-long fangs and claws. They attacked the buck in full force, ripping it to shreds in a matter of seconds. Whipped into a frenzy by the fresh kill, they turned their attention to the horrified humans.

"This is it, Great One! Your moment of glory!" Amy cried. He looked around. "Great One?"

But Harry was gone. He had already scrambled up the hill and was driving the ostrich car back to town at breakneck speed. It wasn't long before the gates of Thebigcity came into view. Harry cracked the reins, urging the giant birds to go even faster; soon he would be safe inside the walls…

Suddenly a blur of furry white balls swarmed the ostriches, bringing them down hard and fast; Harry was catapulted over them and landed several feet away, rolling another few feet before he came to a stop. Jumping to his feet, he raced the last fifty yards to the gates without looking back; the shrieks of the birds ringing in his ears were more than enough to let him know what was going on behind him.

Harry raced through the gates, and was greeted by a huge crowd waiting for him, holding banners that said thing like OUR HERO and WELCOME BACK TRIUMPHANT ONE. Julie stepped forward. "We didn't expect you back so soon, my friend! How…"

That was all Harry heard as he raced by, past the crowds, out the back gate and down the road…

----------

About a mile outside of town there was a very wide chasm, with cold unforgiving rapids waiting at the bottom of a five hundred foot drop. All that stood between a traveler and certain doom was an old rope bridge in questionable condition. Four mutant turtles (or aliens, depending on who you asked) lounged in front of that bridge, occasionally looking back down the road.

"Heads up guys," Don said, spotting a figure in the distance running towards them. "Here he comes."

"What's the time?" Leo asked.

Don checked his watch. "One hour and thirty-six minutes."

"Okay, who had the closest time in the 'how-long-until-Harry-runs-screaming-to-us-for-help' pool?" Leo asked.

"Me!" Mike grinned, checking the chart. "One hour and thirty minutes! You all have to do my chores for two weeks!"

Mike had no time to revel in his victory, as Harry was upon them in record time and showing no signs of slowing down. Raph stepped into his path to intercept him, and was almost bowled over. "Stop, Harry! Just stop!" Raph snapped, struggling to keep his grip on the scrawny yet surprisingly strong human.

"Can't stop! They're coming! We gotta get outta here!" Harry cried.

"Who? Who's coming?" Leo asked.

"Hey, what's that?" Mike asked, pointing up the road. A wall of white was heading straight towards them, leaving a massive dirt cloud in its wake.

"KILLER RABBITS!" Harry screamed, breaking away from Raph. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" He raced out onto the bridge, which began to sway violently. Forced to slow down, he made his way across as quickly as he could, his fear of heights easy trumped by the fear of being ripped to shreds.

The pure terror in Harry's voice, coupled by his actions, was enough for the turtles to follow his lead without argument. They began to make their way across the rickety old bridge as quickly as they could, but it wasn't nearly fast enough; in no time the rabbits were upon them. The turtles tried to fight them off, but the confining structure of the bridge made it impossible for them to use their weapons or their feet against the furry menace. Instead, they tried in vain to swat them off with their hands.

"AGH!" Raph cried as one rabbit sunk its teeth into his palm. "This can't be happening! We can't actually be getting our shells kicked by a bunch of fluffy white bunnies!"

"Fluffy white bunnies with really sharp claws and fangs and bloodstained fur!" Mike cried as he desperately clawed at the rabbits on his shell.

"We're doomed!" Harry whined.

"We've only got one chance!" Don cried. "Leo…"

"Way ahead of you bro! Hang on guys!" Leo said, drawing his katana. He sliced through one side of the bridge. They clung to the other side as the bridge swayed back and forth from the shift in balance, dumping several of the rabbits into the raging river below. Unfortunately, there were still many rabbits left, and they continued their attack, scarcely missing a beat. Leo raised his katana again.

"WAIT!" Harry screamed just as the blade sliced into the rope and sent them all hurdling towards the water. "I CAN'T SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiimmmmm….."

----------

Harry awoke to someone compressing his chest three times. He opened his eyes to see Don's face looming in front of him. "I'm fine!" He cried, sitting up so quickly that Don was knocked back on his shell.

"That's it! You guys need to learn CPR!" Don snapped at his brothers as he got to his feet.

"Hey, I voted to throw him back!" Raph huffed.

Harry looked around. They were sitting on the bank of the river, which had emerged from the mouth of the chasm and emptied into a quiet lake. He had no idea how long he had been out, and no idea how far they had been carried by the river. "Where are we?" He asked.

"No idea," Leo sighed. "Mikey, get the map out of my backpack, willya?"

The moment Mike opened Leo's bag a furry white ball shot out, aiming for the turtle's throat. The startled turtle caught it just in time, falling backwards onto his shell. "GUYS! HELP!" He screamed as he struggled to keep the foaming, snarling bunny at bay.

"Hang on Mikey!" Don cried, pulling his Bo from behind his back. He swung at the bunny and connected, but instead of being knocked into next week, the animal clung to the Bo and attacked it with the same ferocity intended for Mike. Don quickly swung the Bo around and jammed it into Leo's backpack. Leo and Raph quickly tied it closed, and threw their weight on top of it; after more than a minute of angry jumping, the backpack finally settled down.

Raph picked up the bag and was about to hurl it into the river when Leo stopped him. "Don't, Raph! We need those supplies, considering how we lost two backpacks when we fell off the bridge." He shot an angry look at Harry, who was too busy wringing out his jacket to notice.

"And how are we supposed to get to them with that thing inside waiting to take our heads off?" Raph snapped.

Leo sighed. "I don't know. We'll just have to figure it out later." He unzipped the side pocket of his backpack and pulled out the map ("you could have mentioned it was in there before I let Bunny-zilla loose!" Mike grumped). Soon they were on their way once more.

----------

The suns were beginning to set once more as they arrived at an ancient, crumbling temple. "This is it," Don said, looking up from the map. "According to the Scribes, the gateway is in the main chamber."

"Finally," Raph sighed. "Let's hurry up and get out of here before we run into any more nasty surprises!"

As if on cue, the air was suddenly filled with the sounds of shouting. An angry mob, clad in torn and bloody clothes, and armed with torches and pitchforks, appeared on the horizon.

"THERE THEY ARE!" Julie screamed. "THE PHONY CHOSEN ONE AND THE ONES WHO BROUGHT HIM HERE! GET THEM!"

The mob rushed forward, yelling and cursing. The turtles and Harry beat a hasty retreat into the temple. Rushing into the main chamber, they quickly pushed the doors shut; unfortunately, they were made of wood, and like the rest of the temple, were ancient and rotting away.

"Don, you and Harry get to work on the gate. Mike, Raph, help me keep this door shut!" Leo yelled. The three turtles threw their weight against the door while Harry and Don ran up to the giant puzzle box.

Don quickly pulled out a piece of paper with his calculations and quickly scanned it. "Okay, Harry, we have to turn it forty degrees to the left, and then sixty-five degrees to the right." He and Harry began to push.

"Hurry, Don! This door won't hold much longer!" Mike yelled over the angry pounding against the wood. A pitchfork crashed through the door just inches from his head.

"We're going as fast as we can!" Don yelled as he and Harry finished turning the box to the right. He checked the paper again. "Okay, now we turn it to the left twenty degrees, and that should do it…"

The hinges started to give way as the door splintered and cracked under the massive pressure coming from the other side. "Don, we have to go NOW!" Leo yelled. He and Mike and Raph leaped forward just as the door came crashing down. As the angry mob poured into the chamber, the gate began to hum and glow. The room was enveloped in a white light, and the next thing Leo knew he was hitting the ground hard, landing in something soft and cold. He looked around and saw he was sitting in snow…a whole lot of snow.

Leo got to his feet. "Is everybody here?" He asked.

A few yards away, his brothers were also getting to their feet. "Yeah, we're all here…unfortunately," Raph said. He glared at Harry, who was too busy shaking snow out of his pants to notice.

Half a mile away was the welcomed sight of New York City. "All right, we're home!" Mike said. "But…what's with all the snow?"

"Hey, a little snow isn't that unusual for this time of year," Harry said.

"Uh, guys? I think this is more than just a little snow," Don gulped. "Look around you."

Harry sighed in exasperation. "I see the city right in front of us, and there's the Statue of Liberty behind us…" Suddenly it dawned on him. "Hey, where's the harbor?"

"I think…we're standing on it," Leo whispered in disbelief.

The others looked around. They were indeed standing…yes, _standing_…on New York Harbor, which was now a frozen sheet of ice and snow. Everything was covered in a thick white blanket from the city to the distant horizon, where it met with a cold grey sky. Aside from the five of them, there were no signs of life anywhere…

**TBC…**

**a/n: Whew! That was one tough chapter to write! I wanted to create a crazy world that was a tribute to Monty Python, but as I found out, it's darn near impossible to match their insane comic wit! Anyway, I hope you liked, and I'll try to get the next chapter up quicker! **


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